Do it afraid.

I have always let what others think of me control my actions.  I have let them control how I feel about myself. I have been married three times.  The first was to an abusive man that liked to hit me for a while, but once I told him I was leaving he promised to never hit me again. He knew I am the type of person that does not threaten to do something; I just do it. So he knew I was really leaving.  But I stayed and he never hit me again, but he was an angry person that liked to yell at me all the time.  We were married for twenty-one years.  My next husband was different because he never yell at me at all.  He would just lecture me for hours on how imperfect I was, and that was a far worse form of verbal abuse than what my first husband did to me.  Now Michael, my second husband, was perfect in his own mind, so the break up of our marriage was all my fault.  But I was devastated, because I still loved Michael and did not see at the time what an abusive person he really was.

Then two months after I left Michael I was fired fro the very first time in my life because I had refused to do something illegal.  With both of the two tragic things happening so close together my self esteem drop to almost nothing.  I spent the next three years proving Michael and my ex-employer wrong. But really I was trying to show myself the good that was still in me.  

Yesterday I was thinking of all the things I would like to do, but was to afraid to try them.  Then came the fish slap. God was telling me to do what I had dreamed of doing and if I was afraid, do it anyway.  I like to scrapbook but my pages are not perfect like the one in the magazines or books. Then God smacked me and said "Does It matter"?  No one was going to see them but me.  Quilting seems like a huge task and I may not make them perfect but you know what?  I am going to make them anyway.

Quiet time with God.

Psalm 46:10 says, He says, “Be still, and know that I am God.  For a while I was not sure what that meant to me.  But I have come to realize that it means to stop, shut the world out and just listen for God.  In the last few months since my episodes of the seizures I have been in constant prayer with God.  I have been drawing on His strength because at times mine is depleted.  I have been talking to Him but I have not been LISTENING for His response.  Sometimes I have what I like to call "fish slaps".  These are like revelations of what God id trying to get into my thick head. Today I was reading in my Guidepost Treasury and as I was reading on peace, God gave me a fish slap.  Being in constant prayer is a good thing if you take time to BE STILL AND LISTEN TO GOD.

The Darkness

I have a chronic illness called fibromyalgia and as anyone with this condition can tell you; depression is a secondary problem.  It can be very hard not to give into depression at times.  After days, weeks, or even months on end of constant pain; you can have a hard time finding enjoyment in everyday life. 

These last two weeks have been extra hard on me in regards to the pain level I have been experiencing.  In twelve of the last fourteen day my pain level has reached  a level 8 on the 0-10 pain scale.  The only thing that has helped me during these  times have been my faith in Christ and the blessings God has given to me.  Let me tell you about my special blessings:

My husband, he has been very supportive of me during this time. He does not expect anything more of me other than to rest.  My children are always a comfort to me as well.  My two teenage sons that live at home are very wonderful to me.  They both help me with the household chores and help me just getting  around our house when walking becomes so painful.   My older children keep up with me either on the phone or on the internet.  My two daughters and my one older son live five hours away.  But I feel their love no matter where they are. 

Depression is like the darkness on my soul, trying to over-shadow the wonderful blessings God has given to me.  But God does love me and I am his child.  He has given me many "lights" to help me find my way out of the darkness.